It's been a rough week. Stomach flu got us, but in the midst of this pregnancy, the stomach flu has been brutal. You see, pregnancy and I are not friends. I say this very cautiously, knowing there are so many women who would just love to be able to be pregnant. But pregnancy is hard and I really struggle to be thankful and find joy in the midst of it.
The first trimester is hard—I throw up a lot. When I'm not throwing up I feel horrible and exhausted. But then week 13 happens and there seems to be a little hope.
Except I keep throwing up. Not as regularly, and I don't feel as horrible. But this week was one of those weeks where I just keep throwing up—no longer because of flu, but because there is a little person inside of me who has messed everything up. Today I ate a saltine cracker and suddenly my esophagus was on fire with acid reflux. My body is a mess and I want it back.
So here I am to remind myself of why I'm doing this mom thing.
Even after August was born, I knew our family wasn't complete. In the delivery room, I was offended by my nurse's presumption that we would be finished with our family since we had a girl and a boy. Why keep going, you've got one of each? Because I'm not doing this to have a cute little balanced perfect family that is convenient and can afford a nice upper-middle class lifestyle.
I'm doing it because God has given me a privilege to love these little lives from birth. That is a huge blessing— I get to work together with God as he loves this child, and help the child understand this love.
Lately I've been reading through verses about God's love and it has been encouraging and challenging. It's challenging to believe that God loves me as much as he says he does. But if this love is real, there are real implications for my life.
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you," says Jesus in John 15:9. That's really insane. It makes sense that Jesus was loved by his father. I understand the innate love that I have for my kids. Plus, Jesus was perfect. There was nothing to really get in the way of that relationship.
But me? I'm far from perfect. But Jesus says he loves me despite me. And he loves you, too, despite you.
And then Jesus says, "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down their life for his friends." John 15:12-13
So Jesus wants me to imitate his love for me on my friends and family, but in this stage of life, it especially means children. It most practically means my children. It really, really practically means the baby inside of me because sometimes I just feel like death.
I read this verse today. It's one I've read time and time again, but it is so good:
"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person someone would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8
I love what this verse means for me and you—that Christ died for us in the middle of our greatest offenses. I also like the application to motherhood. My kids are so weak. They completely rely on me for their most basic needs, and I think Christ set the example to show that we need to sacrifice and die for that which has little to offer us. Sacrifice reveals love. When I sacrificially love my kids, I get to know Jesus' love for me. Because that cross was no picnic, people. That was real sacrifice. He died so that I might live.
So this is why I'm doing this mom thing: I get to know Jesus more as I love my kids. And I get to love these little people who are real people and watch them grow a little more every day into themselves.
Ok, Penelope, August, and Baby #3, you're worth it. Now hopefully I can go back to sleep.
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