The girl that changed everything

I hate this photo of me.

Tim thought it would be cute to snap a pic of me and the belly right before we left for the hospital before we had Penelope. I was about to have my labor induced. I was sooo scared. All I knew was that I was about to experience excruciating pain, and then have a baby that I would be entrusted to nurture and take care of for minimum 18 years. Terrifying, right?

Most women in their last trimester of pregnancy anxiously await their baby. They are fat, uncomfortable, and exhausted. Me? I thought it was easier if my body was taking care of the baby. Those car seat things that other moms lug around looked really bulky and awkward to carry. My belly was a hands-free approach.

Maybe I'm being a little too honest about how I felt, but I really didn't know if I would like my baby. I had never really liked another baby before; what would be different about this one?

So far this one was actually worse—it was more like a parasite. This baby made me sick and exhausted most of my pregnancy.

I was really honest with the baby, too. I thought it would be sweet to start a little journal to write notes to him or her. But a lot of the notes went something like, "I'm really scared of being a mom..." I also wrote about what The Lord was teaching me through reading his word. I wanted this baby to know that even though I was so scared of this new stage of life, I was attempting to trust God with it.

But then this happened:

Nothing has been the same since that moment. She was a girl named Penelope and she had all of this dark hair and a skwaky cry. They put her on my chest, and as I began to talk to her, she lifted up her head and looked toward me and stopped crying. She knew my voice. She loved me. I loved her.

The strangest thing happened later that night. I woke up just before the nurse brought her back to be fed, and I missed her. I had only known of her for about 12 hours, but I missed her. I had no idea where this love for her came from, but it was so deep and so real.

Here we are three years later.

This little girl is THREE!

There is nothing about her that's a baby anymore.

She is growing into a little kid. She speaks in full sentences. You can even understand her words.

She's so goofy.

And beautiful.

I was so scared to give up so many things that I really loved about my life before kids—mostly my freedom. But honestly, there is far more joy in my life with this girl around.